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Chapter Three
The Head Coach

After you've been saturated with drivel from the "Thrilling Threesome," the individual who appears on your screen will probably be the Head Coach. Contrary to popular belief, all Head Coaches are NOT alike. As we shall point out, they fall into distinct categories and, as the Game progresses, you can have lots of fun recognizing which is which.

Naturally, it's impossible to illustrate ALL of the sub-categories. So, we want you to get creative. Invent some of your own and make up appropriate names.

NOTE... The Man You See On The "Coach's Show" is NOT the Real Coach... Show Biz.

This dynamo is an emotional man who has more moves than his Receivers. Throughout the Game he will pace the sidelines incessantly screaming obscentities at the official, the opponents, his own players and even his assistants. He firmly believes that an athlete who gets paid ("under the table" if it's college) more money than a Supreme Court Judge for less than six month's work must be emotionally stimulated. When sending a substitute into the Contest, he personally delivers the Butt Slap, a duty normally relegated to an Assistant Coach.

His upcoming book is titled, "Power of Positive Bullying."

copyright © 2003 Jay Kaymer.

It matters not how dirty, sweaty or miserable his Players might be. This Head Coach always looks as though he just emerged from the pages of GQ. While his Team spends the pre-Game hour in the confines of the Locker of Training rooms, this man is surrounded by his tailor, barber, manicurist and make-up man.

Observe that during the course of the Action, nobody touches him. Not even the Sideline Cameraman of whom he is always aware. He will only submit to Clothing or Men's Cosmetic Commercials.

copyright © 2003 Jay Kaymer.

When this Head Coach was a kid, he wired his entire house, using leftover parts, etc. from his dad's Electrician business. In high school, he was almost suspended for bugging the Principal's Office and most of the girls' restrooms. These days, even the C.I.A. and F.B.I. come to him for sophisticated gadgets. His Life's Philosophy maintains that, "If You Don't Know What's Going On, You're Incredibly Stupid."

His coaching budget is the highest in Football. It includes a Super Computer Mobile Unit, Four Press Box Spotters and an array of Closed-Circuit Replay Monitors. Reminiscent of his earlier days, he once attempted to plant a hidden microphone on an Opposing Team's Center.

During the ensuing investigation, the News Media filled its Sports Pages with all the latest nastiness. The League Office threatened to have him banned from ever participating in the sport. He was cleared of all charges after he received thousands of supporting letters from adoring Fans. He runs an Electronics Firm in the Offseason.

Another 'primer' that contains more than you ever wanted to know. 

Jay Kaymer's Beginner's Guide to TV Football

Jay Kaymer has created over 90 original cartoons that spoof our gridiron gladiators.

A partial list of contents.
The Head Coach, Scoring Points, Referees and Penalties, Positions and Responsibilities of the Players, Pre-Game Ceremonies, Special Action to Watch, End Zone Antics and a lot more.

Reader comments:

"This will alienate every sports fan on the planet, yet they will love it!"
W.N.G. - West Palm Beach, FL.

"Wow, you just keep wondering what's on the next page!"
T.T.N. - Atlanta, GA.

"Never seen anything like this before. These cartoons are hilarious!"
R.N.B. - Coral Springs, FL.